i was thinking about why it's so hard for me to listen to advice on parenting. it's hard to admit it, because it sounds so egocentric... but it's not because i think i know everything...  it's because i truly believe that every single child is so different, that something might work for one but not the other, and every parent is different, every family is different and no one knows a child better than his/her own parents. i also have a hard time giving advice when asked because what can be a solution for me may cause a bigger problem for you, and i wouldn't want to be responsible for that.
but at the same time i know that others' experiences can be a source of knowledge and learning... so i guess it is really good to share our experiences. i like that. i like sharing. i don't like advice so much because it comes with an expectation that one must follow that piece of advice. 

these past couple of weeks I've been thinking a lot about parenting and all the decisions that come with it. I'm well aware of all the joys and all the amazing-ness that come with being a parent, but i've been thinking more about the challenges and all the difficult moments that parents go through.
my son just turned two and i'm beginning to question my attitude towards parenting... i'm trying to be more conscious of what i do and say and trying to think what kind of mom i want to be. up until now it's all been very intuitive and basic. i've been following my instincts. having a baby is all about making sure he's safe, fed, clothed, clean... it's about being gentle and loving and warm. all these things that have come so natural to me since he was born...
but he's not a baby any more. he's a toddler now and his needs have changed/grown. and soon he's going to start talking and asking question, and one day i'll wake up and he'll be a teenager. so there comes a point when intuition is not enough. love is not enough. hugs and sweet words are not enough. he also needs discipline, and role models to follow, and so many qualities to develop, and talents to discover and make use of, and friendships, and self confidence, and faith, and knowledge, and...
i can't give him everything he needs. (that's probably why they say it takes a whole village to raise a child!)
his world is starting to open up to people outside mom and dad. and it's so scary too... because so many things are not in my hands, i can't have control over his entire life, i can't protect him from every little and big thing that happens to him.
i want him to have a happy childhood. to have fun and sweet memories of games, trips, family, silly fights with siblings, birthdays, holy day traditions, art projects, summers spent with cousins, friendships, a sense of community... all the things i had and more.
(now i can focus in his childhood... then i'll worry about his teenage years!)
i want to be the kind of mom that encourages him to be creative, to be loving to every one he meets (even the little boy who pushes him around in the playground), but to also be firm and confident and stand up for himself and others. i want him to grow up being sensitive to the needs of others and proactive in finding ways to be of service. i want him to be gentle and kind and trustworthy. i want him to have meaningful friendships/relationships. i want him to find God on his own. i want him to be happy and thankful, and humble. i want him to appreciate nature, art, music...
but most of all i want to be the mother who accepts him and loves him above all. even if he doesn't end up having all those qualities i admire... i know he'll have others. and i want to be able to recognize them and encourage them. and never stop feeling proud of him.
i guess the best i can do right now is to practice myself all those things i want for him. to show him by example what is like to be creative, kind, loving, trustworthy, etc... and pray that through all my imperfections, he'll find bits and pieces of good... and what he doesn't find in me, he'll find in his dad, his teachers, his aunts and uncles, his grandparents, his friends... and once he's older, in the writings... i can only hope, without expecting anything from him, without forcing him.